If only this were the way cloning went awry! Cute...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Cell Phone Bathroom Dangers
Be careful or this could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down in the airport restroom when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I didn't want to be rude, and didn't know what else to do, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says, "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? I'm thinking this is a really bizarre question so I say:"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I'm just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too darn weird, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
I was barely sitting down in the airport restroom when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I didn't want to be rude, and didn't know what else to do, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says, "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? I'm thinking this is a really bizarre question so I say:"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I'm just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too darn weird, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Amazing Magic Trick from America's Got Talent
I usually don't enjoy magic tricks -- I'm too much of a sceptic. But this trick is truly amazing... enjoy!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Product Endorsement for Tide Detergent -- Sick but Funny
Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life; my mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it's even better than I imagined! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative,and to my surprise and satisfaction, ALL of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detective who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, then my attorney called and said that I was no longer a suspect in the disappearance of my husband (the lout).
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, off to write a thank you to the Hefty bag people.
Sincerly,
Ima Knutt
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Why You Shouldn't Swallow Gum
As a child, I was an inveterate gum-swallower, and my mom was always after me to stop that bad habit.... Finally, I know why.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The Story of Creation that You'll Never Read in the Bible.
IN the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and he populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds, so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and he combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croûtons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, and he found it good and he named it "Angel Food Cake." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food" and it was better.
God brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan tempted God's children with cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue screen and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef to His children so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said unto Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "So it shall be." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and he combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croûtons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, and he found it good and he named it "Angel Food Cake." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food" and it was better.
God brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan tempted God's children with cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue screen and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef to His children so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said unto Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "So it shall be." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs
Friday, February 8, 2008
A Limerick in Honor of Detroit's disgraced mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick
Detroit's Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, in the face of evidence that he conducted a long-term extramarital affair, perjured himself to hide the affair, then spent 8.4 million dollars of taxpayer money to cover up his perjury, has vowed that he won't resign his office because he's on a "mission from God" to be mayor of Detroit. Kilpatrick's outrageous actions and his colossal arrogance inspired me to write this poem in his honor.
There was a young Mayor named Kwame
Who loved to play hide the salami
He's a hip-hoppin' clod
On a "mission from God"
And he'll ride out the trouble tsunami
There was a young Mayor named Kwame
Who loved to play hide the salami
He's a hip-hoppin' clod
On a "mission from God"
And he'll ride out the trouble tsunami
Next Target in the War on Terrorism: al-Gebra
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Michael Mukasey said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Mukasey said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Michael Mukasey said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Mukasey said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Mukasey said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Life Changing: Last Lecture of Dr. Randy Pausch
This isn't funny, like most of my posts, but it's a must-see video that may change your life forever!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
Side-splittingly Funny Letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Jim
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Jim
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